Comrades, if you are unemployed, stressed from paper leaks and want a change in the country, the Cockroach Janata Party is here for you. Abhijeet Dipke, Founding President of the CJP, has said that the change will come by ‘unfollowing the BJP on Instagram’. So, unfollow the current ruling party at the Centre and solve the issues surrounding us. You are additionally encouraged to make reels documenting this resistance and send collaboration requests to the CJP for wider revolutionary circulation. Shri Dipke, one is told, shall personally be sharing them.
What did I hear you say? Have I gone mad? Please, do not disrespect Honourable Shri Dipke’s intellect. Per him, this is a movement. You are angry with the solution because, I suspect, you do not possess the qualities required to join the party: ‘unemployed, lazy, chronically online and able to rant professionally.’ So how dare you – an employed, active, sensible and logical citizen – call me mad and with me Shri Dipke, too?
Yes, the eligibles shall bring change. According to the party manifesto, the BJP’s 33 per cent reservation for women will be increased to 50 per cent without increasing the number of seats in Parliament, because arithmetic is clearly counter-revolutionary. And representation based on population, meanwhile, shall continue to remain frozen somewhere around the 1971 Census, presumably because following the constitution does not suit the movement.
The party, to its credit, has also thought deeply about media reform. Licences of media houses owned by Ambani and Adani shall be revoked in order to create space for ‘truly independent media.’ Quite how this independence shall function remains unclear, considering everyone from Newslaundry to The Red Mike survives on funding structures that are ultimately backed by capitalists. But perhaps there are now good capitalists and bad capitalists. Hallelujah.
Further, the Chief Election Commissioner will have a difficult time under Shri Dipke’s administration. The CJP manifesto proposes that any instance of vote deletion will make him booked under UAPA. A move that will elevate electoral bureaucracy into the category of a national security threat. If you are surprised, don’t be. Dipke is a supporter of Umar Khalid, someone who believes Kashmir is under India’s occupation. Expecting otherwise becomes ironic.
The vision of the CJP signals relief to taxpayers by ensuring that Shri Dipke, upon becoming Prime Minister, shall never embark upon a foreign state visit. Diplomacy, it appears, is an avoidable luxury and everyone from Nehru to Modi has been wrong in terms of it. Again, for you, all this might appear ridiculous. But for Shri Dipke, the CJP and its eligible members, these ideas form the foundation upon which the nation shall finally be rebuilt.
The real journalists, meanwhile, appear firmly behind the CJP. Ravish Kumar has already inquired ‘whether the party intends to contest the upcoming elections,’ while Betwa Sharma of Article 14 and Vaishna Roy of Frontline have also expressed interest in the party. Any allegation of conspiracy theory, therefore, must immediately be treated as an attack on independent journalism. Hence, mind your words or you’ll be turned into Modi in just one article/video.
Naturally, confidence in the movement continues to grow. It is evident that the CJP plans to save us. How remains a question.
